people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
