Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
there is glitter all over my balls
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