I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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