I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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