Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
