I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
A+ Viking dick
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
