walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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