So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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