need another drink. this is the easiest way
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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