Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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