Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
