just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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