Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
