Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize