Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
