My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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