If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
