I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
