He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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