found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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