i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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