I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
