Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
