I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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