the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
