On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
