Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
