I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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