Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
