The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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