Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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