He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
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