the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
