He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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