did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Randomize
