Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
