So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
