What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
