So drunk, too bad you don't want this
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
