my phone needs a breathalizer
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
