he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
