Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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