Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
