Your dad touched me again.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize