I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
