I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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