mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Actions speak louder than pants.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
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