Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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