I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
