wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize