can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
