hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
