Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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