When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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