We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
