We named our party play list daddy issues
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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