My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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