don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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