Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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