i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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