If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he fucked my hip out of place.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
