Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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