never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
