the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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