yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize