i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
