Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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