Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
