Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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