my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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