the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
