Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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