So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
