Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
